My English Journey

First of all, before beginning to tell my English learning journey, I want to talk a little bit about our English education at school. I want to point out that students can't learn English at school. It's not really good. Not many people speak English with their school education. Either they study on their own like me or they go to English courses and pay hundreds of Turkish liras. They usually teach some basic vocabulary and grammar rules at school. I had no idea about some sounds in English such as "th" until I started to learn it on my own. Most importantly, they don't encourage us to learn it and don't teach how to learn it. I guess some things started to change though and I hope it works out for the new generation. So when I started to learn English, I hadn't even remembered how to use "be" verb.

I've always wanted to learn English. That was always near my heart. Actually, even when I was in 6th grade, one of my friends told me that I should have been an English teacher. I loved English when I was in 6th grade. But the story doesn't go on like that. After 7th grade, I hated English lessons. Maybe I didn't hate English language but I hated the lessons. And back then, I didn't know the difference between the real English and these boring lessons. It got worse in the high school. I really hated English lessons. I always get bored in English lessons. After I got into the university, we took an English exam before starting the lessons. According to this exam, either we were going to have English lessons in the following semesters or not. So I passed 1st and 2nd semesters' tests, but I couldn't pass 3rd and 4th semesters' test. So when I was in 3rd semester, I started to take English lessons again.

Argh! There was no change. I used to get bored a lot and hate it. It was so hard to go to those classes. I couldn't even make a simple dialog. Then at the end of 4th semester, it just started to bother me not being able to understand and speak English. I just wanted to learn it because I had this dream of being a photographer and travel around the world. To learn photography better and communicate with other people from all over the world, I had to learn English. It was bothering me, but I wasn't doing anything until I saw an advertisement of Burak Öztürk, an English teacher, on facebook. He was talking about challenges of learning English and how to learn English. So I opened the website and subscribed his e-mail list. I started to get e-mails from him. He has a website and teaches some lessons there. I used to check those videos in the beginning. And I used to read his e-mails about how to overcome speaking fear, how to learn English better, how to get rid of traditional methods. So basically, my mindset started to change slowly. These e-mails made me take a step for learning English. And I downloaded duolingo and some other language apps like that. I used to learn a few things when I was on my way to the university and back home. One day, I got an e-mail from him. He was launching an online beginner English course and the price was affordable for me. I asked my dad and signed up. I loved his method and made a huge progress with this online course. At the same time, I found some English teachers' youtube channels. They were also talking about how to learn English etc. So almost for the first 6 months, I spent time for learning how to learn English. But of course, I was doing listening and reading practise at the same time because I was watching and listening them in English. There were some parts that I missed but I was getting used to the idea that it's okay if we don't understand everything.

I used to think that there is one way to learn English and if you do that, you'll learn the language. But no, each person has their own way to learn and there is no shortcut to learn a language. It takes effort, energy and motivation.

Of course, there are a lot of tips and advice for learning a language. But I found out the most important thing is to figure out which one would work for you or maybe even create your own method for yourself. So I started to figure out my way. The biggest issue for me was not to have people around me to practise my English. So I started to search some apps and websites to practise my speaking skills. I was also speaking on my own, but it wasn't obviously enough to go further. I found a few apps and websites, but none of them worked well. I sent a lot of messages to people, but just a few of them replied back and the conversation used to end so quickly. It used to go like "how are you?", "where are you from?", "what do you do?" etc. I found three amazing friends from those websites though. They're the first people who I spoke English with. I was beginner back then, so it took me 30 minutes more or less, just to comprehend their messages. I used to send voice messages to them and so did they. I used to listen those voice messages hundred times just to understand them. I made many mistakes, but I learned a lot from those mistakes even though I didn't realize that at the time.

In the meantime, I saw an announcement about a free English course which is held by the municipality. Since I was really eager to learn English. I thought this was a great opportunity and I applied for it.

And I started to take this course. There were a few people in the course, which was good for me because I'm not into big groups. I liked the teacher a lot. He was aware of everything and he told us he wasn't going to teach us English but he'll teach us how we can learn English. He said he was going to be a guide for us. He gave a lot of amazing tips. He really encouraged us to speak more. I was really afraid of speaking English back then, but he really helped me to deal with it better. The time was very short, so it wasn't enough, but I always followed his advice. I was looking forward to this course again in the next semester and I joined the course again. At the time, there were many international students in the course and I barely understood them. That was so hard for me, but I still enjoyed it. I could barely speak during the class and felt so guilty about it because my level was higher than when I was speaking in the class, but when it comes to speaking in the class, I felt stuck and couldn't come up with anything to say. Most of the time, I lost my train of thoughts just because of this anxiety. So maybe if I had come up with something, I could've said that, but anxiety really blocked my thoughts and I couldn't think of anything at that moment. All of those thoughts used to come out after I left the classroom. After the class, I was like ohh I could've really said this and that.

Anyway, I also had this perception that I have to speak with native English speakers to improve my speaking, but then one day, when I was watching one of Emma's video, I saw her facebook group under the video and checked it out immediately. I decided to join the group. What would I lose? Right? That was one of the best decisions that I've ever taken. The group's called "ladies who love to speak", so it was only for women. This was great because many of those websites that I signed up somehow turned to dating websites. The group was smaller back then. There were around 1000 ladies more or less and you know, not everyone is active in groups, so it was really tight-knit community. Emma's made so much effort for that group. That was also one of the things that made the group so unique. She was like a mother in the group. She used to share English challenges every week. English challenges were topics such as hobbies, superstitions, technology etc. And we used to comment under that post like "I accept the challenge" to find a speaking partner and we used to invite each other to speak. She also used to do some live lessons in the group for free. She's really awesome. Because of her, I found really amazing friends that I'm still in contact with. As for my feeling about speaking in English, I was freaking out. It was so scary for me. There were times that I didn't understand what the lady was saying and those moments were so annoying for me. There were also ladies who I've felt really comfortable to speak with. Whenever I spoke with them, I felt motivated. I think when you're a beginner or pre-intermediate in a language, it's so easy to give up and there were times that I really felt down, but those ladies cheered me up all the time. I was speaking with people who were in Brazil, Italy, Indonesia. That feeling is inexpressible. I was in the same level with some of them and we had moments where we couldn't find the word and just explained it each other by gestures. We taught many vocabulary to each other. So basically we made progress together. Emma has a huge role in this. Along the way, she's been always there to support us. She gave us many tips how to overcome that speaking fear, pep talks and she made us take baby steps. We evolved gradually. I wouldn't have even thought that I was going to speak with someone online, especially have a video call, but because of Emma, I've had this wonderful experience. I gradually gained more self-confidence about my English. I started to share my photos and conversations in the group. The comments that I got from all the ladies made me so happy and encouraged. Imagine a group where many people, who are open minded and supportive from all over the world, come together for improving their English and sharing things with each other. So the group was indeed so unique.The group has completely changed my mindset too! I realized that I don't have to speak with native speakers to improve my English. Maybe this way is even better somewhat because I hear many accents from all over the world, and since those all lovely ladies were also English learners, we understood each other perfectly.

At the same time, I was watching many youtube videos and listening podcasts.

The internet is an incredible thing if you know how to use it effectively.

And I think many learners' problem is usually not to have enough time to study English. We're always busy, but actually it's all about priorities. I've changed my mindset because of all of my teachers on youtube, the teacher from my class and of course Emma! We have plenty of wasted time during the day. In my situation, I spent two hours on the bus to go to the university and come back. And I tried my best to use this time for my English. Even 10 minutes a day works because it's much better than nothing. Maybe it's slow, but when you do nothing, there is no progress. Actually, it's become a habit for me and I want to spend more time for it now.

The days and months passed like this. I've made wonderful friendships in ladies who love to speak English group and I've kept watching videos on youtube and listened podcasts. Of course, it wasn't straight all the time. There were ups and downs, but each passing day, I made progress and learned something new.

After a while, Emma released her idea of a project in the group, on September 23th, 2017. She said she has something in her mind, but didn't give details. Many ladies and I got so excited. She wanted us to subscribe an e-mail list if we were interested on this project and of course I did. Then one day, I got a message from Emma;

"Hi Pinar! Do you have some time free over the next few weeks to help me 'test' The Ladies' Project? I have a small group of ladies from our group helping me to test some ideas. I would really love your feedback and advice, because you are such an experienced member of our Ladies' Group! You don't need to do anything except be present in a Facebook group and give feedback on a website that I'm currently making. Let me know if you are interested."

I can't really express how my feelings were when I got this message. I was super super excited and I absolutely offered my little help to her. Then I got into the test team group. I was watching the videos when I was in the internship. I vividly remember the day that Emma sent me a video and asked me to do a quick video of myself answering the question "what's the best thing about TLP so far?". In fact, TLP is another journey for me apart from my English journey. It's the most special part of it. So this is how I met this incredible community, project. In the test group, we went over the logo of TLP, tested the challenges and the website. We shared our opinions about it and gave feedback to Emma. After a month, the test process finished. The test process was on November and after this process, December and January passed so hard. Even within a month, I got used to TLP so much and it was so empty without it. I knew it was going to be a paid membership when it started and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to afford it. While I was thinking about this, at the end of December, I got an e-mail from Emma;

"Hi Pınar!

Long time no see!

I know I've been quiet over the last few weeks - very quite after our amazing month testing The Ladies' Project together.

I miss having you in my life every day!!

Courtney, Crystal, Shah and I have been working hard to get The Ladies' Project ready to share with the other ladies... I think it will be ready by the end of January! Woohoo!

But, I could not have done it without you and I can't even begin to explain how grateful I am for your enthusiasm, energy and support.

I have seen how wonderful you are and I want you to always be a part of The Ladies' Project. Ladies like you make our community special and unique.

So, to thank you for everything I would like to give you a 12-month membership to The Ladies' Project. 💝

I know 2018 is going to be a spectacular year for all of us... And I can't wait to get started!

Wishing you and your families a wonderful year ahead (and a fun party on Sunday night!) 🎉

Best wishes,

Emma x"

It was real!!! Emma was giving 12-month membership to me and the other test team's members. This was one of the most incredible news that I've ever got. I was over the moon. Then it was time for TLP's start, on February.

I've fallen in love with this fascinating project. I've been improving each day and the progress was really fast. I stepped out of my comfort zone a lot during this journey. Emma offered me to do an interview with me. Oh my God, it was so nerve-wrecking for me, but it wasn't impossible, right? I was so nervous, but I believed I could do it with the support of this amazing teacher Emma. I think I wouldn't have done that if it hadn't been Emma. I think she's cut out to be a leader. She has this great talent to encourage everyone, including introverts like me. My whole life, I've seen people who discourage introverts while they try to encourage them, but the effect was the opposite because it's impossible to help an introvert by trying to make her/him an extrovert.She really helped me to discover my personality, my strengths by not judging and not trying to change my personality. She made me realize my strengths that I actually thought were my weaknesses.For all of these reasons, I can't thank her enough. I accepted to be interviewed because she encouraged me, and she didn't push me at once. She showed me the road and put out her hand and waited for me to be ready to take a step.I believe this is a very unique talent.

The day of the interview arrived and I was so nervous and excited. During the interview, Emma helped me a lot and made feel more comfortable. We talked about tourism in Turkey and my passion for photography. After the interview, I had this huge relief. I was really proud of myself because it was a huge step for me, and this interview definitely boosted my confidence and self-esteem. It was like a turning point for me, like for many ladies who did the interview. After months, I asked Emma if she'd like to be interviewed because we knew just a little about this awesome woman. Our topic was leadership and Emma was the best to be interviewed for this topic. She asked me to do the interview with her and this time, I accepted it with more confidence. First, she was going to be the one who was interviewed and second, I was feeling more comfortable with it. Her interview took 2 hours, but we really needed more time. It was so amazing. Afterwards, I wrote down every single word that she said in the interview, with the help of a website. I'm still reading it to take inspiration from her achievement.

Everything has been brilliant in TLP and my English has really improved a lot since the beginning of TLP.

The only thing that I wasn't sure about, since the beginning, was to have a conversation face to face, outside of the internet. I was feeling like it was going to be different than online. That was my hesitation. I was also feeling shy to speak in front of my family or in the street etc. So until July 2018, I never had a face to face conversation except my English class, but they can't be counted because it was more like we were trying to make sentences. Earlier that year, I signed up on a website called couchsurfing where travelers come to your home and stay for a few days or weeks and you can also go to other places and stay at other people's home. Not that I believed someone would come to my city though because my city isn't a touristy city, but as always, I gave it a try. Then one day, I got a message from a Turkish girl. She asked me if I wanted to host people who came with Aiesec organization. I didn't know about Aiesec much, but I heard a little bit about it. Since I’m really crazy about this thing, I asked my parents and accepted it and gave my number to her. February 2018, she called me to ask if I could host a Chinese girl for a night because her host had a funeral that’s why they were looking for a host, for a night. I accepted it and hosted the Chinese girl for a night. It was too short time but was wonderful and it was my first time having a conversation face to face. I spoke in front of my family for the first time. It was quite a big challenge. It was like a small step. Since it was too short, I still had many doubts about my English, not in TLP or not with speaking online, but about speaking face to face. After months, at the end of June, she called me again and asked if I would've like to host someone for 5 weeks. I asked my parents and they said yes because they really know how crazy I am about this and also they trust me. When I learned that someone from India would come, I became so happy because I’m really interested in learning about Indian culture. Then Riddhi came to us. It was a big challenge for me to speak in English in front of my family, but an amazing opportunity to step outside of my comfort zone. Afterwards I really got used to it. I spoke in English with her everywhere, on the bus, on the street. People were looking at us because not many people speak English here. It was quite strange for them and I’m really not used to draw attention as an introvert. But I got over this. At first, I had difficulty in speaking about daily things like the stuffs in the kitchen or explaining the food etc. And also translating was quite difficult. I used to turn my parents and speak in English and I used to turn Riddhi and speak in Turkish. I was very confused.  But I got used to it as well.She stayed at our home for 5 weeks. I believe this 5 weeks equal 6 months of my English learning journey. I improved a lot during this time.First of all, I gained so much confidence about my English. Before that, I used to say "I speak English a little bit", but after Riddhi came to us, I absolutely recognised this change in my confidence when I told a girl in an event that "I can speak English".

While I was doing all these stuff, I was studying for an important exam. I think English taught me not to put off our goals. So I didn't wait for the perfect time, I created my own time.

Through English, I've discovered my personality. My whole life, I was told that I was shy, but what they and I didn't realize was being quiet doesn't mean that you're a shy person. I'm an introvert and it's not a personality disorder. It's a personality trait. This is one of the most important things that I learned through English. I'm able to read more about it now and discover my personality. An introvert is a person who gains energy from being alone and loses energy in stimulating environments, such as social events, but there is much more to it than that. This is the very first article that I read about it and I was amazed because I could definitely relate to that. https://introvertspring.com/what-is-an-introvert/

Of course, I have some shyness as well and I'm aware of that, but telling me that I'm shy doesn't make me less shy. I think I'm more introverted than being shy. I really want to overcome the little shyness part and be more confident, but I'm happy to be an introvert. This is how I function. I've been finding my strengths with my personality and English is the most important tool for that.

I'm still in TLP and it's like a family to me. I love it so much. Each passing day, the bond is getting stronger. I'm a big sister in TLP, which means I've been a part of The Ladies’ Project for a while and always willing to help out.

And also when I'm writing this, it's the last day of my Chinese sister at our home. We've been hosting her for 4 weeks now. She also came with Aiesec for speaking cafe project.

The experience is so much different than the other time. First of all, I'm much more confident with my English now and I don't think about the words and grammar much when I speak. They just come to me naturally. I can explain myself better and speak a little bit more fluently.I'm still not fluent yet, but I think I'm closer to the fluency now.

I learned a lot from her and this was a great experince for me. I'm so happy that I hosted her. My dream is to be a travel photographer and I'd love to travel around the world and learn more about the cultures and languages, but I have a long way to go.

So my philosophy for now is "if I can't go seeing the world, then I'll bring the world to me".

And now we've already built so many bridges between our countries with my online friends or my guests, China, India, Italy, United States, Qatar, Indonesia, Russia, Egypt, Brazil, Chile, Mexico, Argentina, Australia, South Korea, Lithuania, Algeria, Iceland, Bulgaria.

Now I wish I had written all these stuff since the beginning because I already forgot how I was exactly feeling at the time. That's why I wanted to write it down before it's too late and I forget everything.

It's still a journey in process. I'm really enjoying it. I started to learn Spanish now. I do hope I have the same motivation and energy to learn and speak Spanish fluently and I hope I can speak English much better than now. I watched a video, heard this quote and loved it.

"The journey is the destination."

"El camino es el destino."